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I can't take it. I know some people are way worse off than me, but I don't want to be here anymore. I have a brother who is younger than me, but we're close in age. I turn 16 this year. I know I'm not fat, but I'm not exactly the thinnest person in the world. I know I'm not the prettiest girl around, but I'm not ugly... I guess. But he keeps telling me that I'm a whore (and I've never even kissed someone), I'm ugly, fat, disgusting, and I look like a seal. Obviously he doesn't know how much that hurts.
He also hits me sometimes. Not hard and not with his hands, but with other stuff, and he threatens me and scream at me.
And I don't want to live like this. Mom and dad just don't know how bad it is, even though I have been saying some stuff to them. They just doesn't notice, and I don't wanna do this anymore.
I can't.
- Mood:
depressed
So this is how it feels, huh? To be in love, I mean. I want to see him all the time, I want to meet his eyes, I want to be close to him. Even though I know it's impossible. Or well, impossible or impossible. I guess it isn't impossible, but pretty damn hard. He's shy. I'm shy. I like him. He probably doesn't love me.
I caught his eye today. He has these dark eyes that are so beautiful, and he gave me a quick glance, a few seconds maybe, and then he continued to walk towards his locker. Oh my god. I really like him, even though we've never spoken to each other. Ever. We only have one class with each other, and I feel so nervous everytime I'm around him. But I will smile at him, or talk to him, or anything. Eventually.
Hah, I wish.
- Mood:
calm
My god. For three years, I've never gotten an A in math. I've always been deadly close, like two points away, but now it's finally here! Jesus christ, I almost can't believe it, haha.
We did the biology test today too, and I guess it went okay. Sometimes, I actually like school. I know it may sound weird, but my class is the shit. Seriously. We only have until summer left together, and I guess splitting up then is going to be pretty sad. We ninth-graders are divided into four classes, and I'm in B.
A seems a little snobby, albeit fun too, but they think they're too good for everyone else and act like bitches, haha. Even though I like some of them, but nah... And C is the geek class, to be honest, even though I guess the girls in that class are okay. One of my best friends also goes in that class, haha. And D seems so divided, like guys for themselves, and girls for themselves.
And us? Well, we play cards on breaks, both guys and girls. We joke around a lot, and no one is mean on purpose to one another. We decide a lot of things between us, and everyone can join in on whatever we're doing. We also have a lot of smart persons in our class, especially in math (I guess than includes me in some way, HAHA, I got an A! So proud). Girls and guys can do things together, and well, my class is the best.
I'm rambling again, I know.
- Location:home
- Mood:
happy - Music:Stop and Stare - OneRepublic
Not a normal cold, though. No, it's a tremenderous one! I can just barely breathe and my head hurts so effing much because of the lack of oxygen. I'm tired, sluggish and I'm freexing to death.
Sometimes I hate living in Sweden.
Well, I'll go to school tomorrow anyway. We have a biology test, and to miss out on that would be a pain in the ass. Oh, and well, I have my reasons for going to school.
I'm currently listening to Ke$ha, and I've just made my school choiches for high school (tennis and japanese). I'm gonna study biology in a bit, and then I'm heading for bed. I'm beat. I've been, I don't know, depressed and frustrated all day, though not showing it. My closest friends know why. Blah. In fact, I'm too sick to go to school tomorrow, but I'll go anyway.
See ya.
- Location:home
- Mood:
sick - Music:Ke$ha - Dancing with tears in my eyes
I feel awful.
And I don't know why. I just feel... extremely off. I know what I want, but I can't get it, and it kind of depresses me, you know? I know what I should do. But I can't do it. I'm too shy. Geez, this is gonna sound so pathetic.
So, there's this guy in school I'm kind of interested in. He's really nice and sweet, but I don't see him very often, except for french class. My friend, who's in a different class than me, says that he's pretty shy, but well, so am I. But he just looks like that nice kind of person, if you know what I mean?
Anyway, yes, I know what I should do. Maybe catch his eye on monday, and smile. I have kind of a special smile when I don't wanna smile, like, overly smile. I don't wanna seem desperate or crazy, you know.
OH FUCK. Sometimes I hate being a teenage girl.
- Mood: depressed
The scene when Piaf got to know that her lover's plane had chrased was amazing and heart-breaking. Seriously. I had shudders all over my body, and this is probably the first time I've ever felt like this watching a movie. AMAZING. (spoiler ends)
Anyway, I went to the high school I'll attend after summer. (in Sweden, high school starts when you're 16 and lasts for three years.) I went there because I'm going to start one of their english courses early, because I kind of excel in english at my school. I also bought a notebook to keep track of all the homeworks, because it's really needed now. It's pretty! (:
These entries I'm writing... I don't think they interest any other than myself. I write them for me, and I just ramble about everything to get it out of my system. Friday tomorrow! I love fridays. When you're sitting on the bus on your way home on a friday, you just feel so damn awesome. You've studied hard (uh, mostly) and now it's finally over (for two days).
Okay, that's it. Now I'm going to shut up and go watching La vie en rose again! AWESOME MOVIE! :D
- Location:home
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:FM Static
Oh, and the national tests are coming up next month. Bloody hell. The National Tests are done by every ninth-grader in the country at the same time, and the subjects are swedish, english and math. Sigh. I really need to get a calendar.
I've been starting to write on my fanfiction Silver and Solid Steel again, even if it has been like a year. But I'm once again stuck in the tenimyu fandom (DATE KOUJI IS THE BEST, FYI) and I can't find Date's new album (new or new, came out in june 2009) so I'm seriously considering ordering it from YesAsia.
By the way, I never completed NaNoWriMo 2009. I'm so ashamed for it, but I got like 20k and then I got stuck. Writer's block. Well, it wasn't really writer's block, it was the extreme writer's block. My story was so effing boring, so I've decided that I'll do better this year.
Uh, that's it for today.
(:
And i'm so tired from tennis practice... 2nd practice since christmas, and I'm TIRED >.<
- Location:HOME :)
- Mood:
tired - Music:THe Voyage of Beliefs - FM Static
NaNoWriMo '09 is here! It's my first year, and I'm soooooo excited. I started 00.01 on november 1st, but now I'm stuck. I've written 6k (of utterly crap) and I've just decided to use flashbacks in y story. I think you have to get to know the mom and the dad in order to know why they did blablabla. Well. I hate it.
Oh my god. Today is the day - I'm going to England. Okay, we're gonna leave to Denmark two hours past midnight, but since I'm not going to sleep until we leave, I count it as today. Period.
I'm so nervous - I'm going to have to speak english all the time, and I'm not sure I'll be able too. Okay, I will be able to do it, I know that, but is it going to sound great? Doubt that.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~
Just eight hours to go. Then I'm out of this house.
School ended today, by the way. Finally.
